


Soul-searching

by mean_whale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Boys Kissing, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Self-cest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 18:12:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9135628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Yamaguchi is lonely and absolutely certain that he is too ugly and undeserving of love. Who would be a better person to comfort him than he himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [mousecat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mousecat/pseuds/mousecat) in the [selfcestfest](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/selfcestfest) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> After a few rejections, Yamaguchi begins to worry the only person that will love him is him. He somehow doubles himself (doesn’t matter how, it can be unspecified), so he can have someone that will return his love and give him the affection he craves.
> 
> Rating is flexible, but lots of affection and kisses for Tadashi please :') and whatever else happens happens

Yamaguchi Tadashi had never been lucky in love.

If you could call it love – school crushes that were over in a week or a month, a fascination with a person who would come and go, shaky hands after talking to the certain someone who had caught his eye a while before.

At first it was a matter of shyness. Yamaguchi was bullied for being so ugly and weak. He had met Tsukki and that had changed his life for the better, but the fact remained that he was ugly and weak. He would look at the cute girl who giggled and wore her hair in two braids, but he would never dare get closer, never talk to her or make himself known to her in any way. He was in the shadows, just watching the people who roused interest in him, and he didn’t know how to get out, how to make himself into somebody.

Yamaguchi owed his confidence to volleyball, and to finally fitting in somewhere, where he wasn’t invisible. He was seen, and as terrible as it was at first, he grew accustomed to it. He grew to realise that he was a person who the others could see, and it didn’t even take any extra effort on their part.

At that point, however, he had also realised that he wasn’t looking at the cute girls with the same sort of interest anymore. His eyes had wandered elsewhere, to the muscular bodies of his teammates and out of the gym, to the kid with a funny haircut and a red sticker on the cover of his notebook. They talked sometimes – not friends but not strangers anymore – and Yamaguchi wanted to tell him how his smile made the shadows disappear from his mind.

It took him closer to a year to gather courage before he asked to talk to him. They stood behind the school, the building shielding them from the sun’s heat and the other pupils’ prying eyes. Yamaguchi was trembling, and he didn’t know if this was going to be the best or the worst decision of his life.

“I really like you,” he said, almost a whisper, but there was no wind to carry it away.

The guy looked at him with a deep frown, and Yamaguchi decided it was a mistake and he should leave the school – no, he should leave the country and change his name, possibly drown into the ocean on his way over it-

“I’m sorry,” the response was. “I’m just not into you.”

Yamaguchi nodded and tried to take a deep breath to calm his jitters.

“Are you okay?” the guy asked, and Yamaguchi knew he wasn’t referring to the rejection.

Yamaguchi may have taken a while to cry silently in the bathroom before exiting with shaky legs, but he later decided that it was the best thing he had ever done. He had proven to himself that he could do it, that people wouldn’t dismiss him immediately, that he really was somebody.

(It didn’t change the fact that he was ugly.)

After high school ended it wasn’t as easy to make yourself known to people. The university lectures were crowded, people found their own groups early on, and Yamaguchi found himself unable to push himself into any group of people. He missed having Tsukki by his side, and he spent a lot of time alone in his tiny apartment, looking out of the small window into the night.

He didn’t stop trying, no. He had been asked to a few mixers – although he suspected he was a last minute addition after someone more appealing had cancelled – and he made sure to use those times to get to know some new guys, someone he could later call a soul mate.

He was back at home, feeling stupid and small in every way. Rejection after another – seven in total – was starting to look like The Pattern of his life. Maybe he really was so ugly and undeserving that he would stay alone for the rest of his life, living in a shitty apartment and sighing into the night. Maybe he would get a cat. Tsukki would call him pathetic, but he would let him; after all it was the truth.

Yamaguchi was standing in front of the mirror, looking at his body with nothing but underwear on, trying to figure out where it went wrong. He was tall, not very muscular but clearly of athletic background. His body was fine: not too hairy, not too smooth, starting to look more like a man than a boy. It was his face. He leaned closer, closer, so close that the glass fogged as he breathed. There were freckles all over his face, sprinkled onto his skin like a curse, and there was no way to get rid of them. His eyes were droopy and a weird colour, his nose too big and prominent, and his hair so limp apart from the one strand that wouldn’t stay down no matter what.

“Why?” he asked the mirror and hung his head low.

“You’re just insecure,” said a voice that sounded recognisable in its unfamiliarity.

Yamaguchi looked up. In front of the mirror, in front of himself, stood a young man just like him. He felt like he should scream and call for help, but a part of him was too tired. Maybe his faith was to be murdered by an intruder who resembled himself.

“Why are you so discouraged?” the man asked.

Yamaguchi didn’t say a word. He lifted his hand, and the man in front of him lifted his. They touched between their bodies, right at the half point, and Yamaguchi though that he must be dreaming.

“You already got it right,” the man said. “I’m you.”

Yamaguchi shook his head. The man didn’t. Yamaguchi lowered his hand and lifted the other one high above his head. The other man did the same. He poked the man onto the nose, receiving a poke in return.

“Anyway you touch me you’ll be touched in return,” the man said.

“What if I tried to fuck you?” Yamaguchi asked, blushing when he realised what an embarrassing thing he had just said.

The man sighed and rolled his eyes, stepping out of his place and making his way to the unmade bed. He sat down, leaning back to his arms and looking at Yamaguchi.

“I was trying to be poetic,” he said. “Well, I should have known better than to try with you.”

“This is insane,” Yamaguchi said and thought about walking out.

He would probably be arrested for indecent exposure but maybe that would be better than staying in this room while his sanity was deteriorating.

“Come on,” the man said. “You’re so sad that I just couldn’t bear to watch. I want to comfort you.”

Yamaguchi frowned. This may have just been a hallucination, a sign that he had developed a horrible mental illness and would have to spend the rest of his life in fear of making up everything that happened to him, or possibly a wild dream that would leave him feeling uneasy for a few days afterwards. The man smiled at him. It lit up his face, his eyes shining from behind the heavy eyelids, and Yamaguchi took a step back.

“See?” the man said. “Your smile is incredible.”

Yamaguchi thought. Even if this wasn’t real, wouldn’t this be his opportunity to experience things that he might otherwise never experience? This man was clearly him, and what would be safer than to experiment with himself?

“Come here,” the man said and gestured at the bed. “I just want to keep you company.”

Yamaguchi looked at him, trying to evaluate the situation, but nothing made sense enough for him to come to a conclusion about anything. So he simply took the few steps required to settle onto his bed.

“I’m sorry you’re so lonely,” the man said.

Yamaguchi felt the words as a dagger in his heart, and he shivered, turning to look the other way. He didn’t want to get into one of _those_ moods again; crying was exhausting and he was plenty tired already, thank you.

“It’s okay,” the man said. “I know how you feel. I also feel that.”

The man placed a hand onto Yamaguchi’s knee. Yamaguchi turned to look at it. It was warm and maybe a bit clammy, but not uncomfortably so. It made him feel better, just the simple touch of someone warm next to him, breathing just like him and knowing how empty he felt inside.

“You’re not too old yet,” the man said, making Yamaguchi frown in order to stop any unwanted tears from showing up. “You’re young, and you have so much time to see what happens. It’s not too late for you.”

Yamaguchi didn’t say anything. He didn’t feel the need. The man next to him knew it already.

The man let go of his knee and reached to Yamaguchi’s hand, taking a hold of it, tangling their fingers in a way Yamaguchi had always craved to hold hands with someone.

“We can do anything,” the man said. “You can use me as someone to talk to, or someone to experiment with. I don’t mind either way.”

Yamaguchi looked at the way their hands were pressed together.

“Talk to me about your sadness,” the man said.

“What’s the point?” Yamaguchi asked. “You already know.”

“Yes,” the man explained gently, “but sometimes it makes you feel better to say things out loud. You should give it a try.”

Yamaguchi looked at his face. He was really willing to listen, his face patient and encouraging, and Yamaguchi wondered if that was what he always looked like when someone was troubled and needed comforting.

“I’m alone,” he said finally. “I don’t like it.”

“Why?” the man asked.

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes and sighed.

“It hurts,” he said, a bit angry that he had to go out of his way to verbalise what was eating him up inside. “I don’t think anyone will ever want to be with me. They all go. They have better friends or they’re already seeing someone and it doesn’t matter even. In the end I’m alone.”

“Why do you think that is?” the man asked.

Yamaguchi glared at him and bit his tongue to avoid getting sad.

“I’m not interesting,” he said. “I’m ugly and boring, not to mention completely unexperienced. Even if I got the chance to be with someone, they’d probably leave me after they find out I can’t even kiss properly.”

“But there are also people who don’t care about that kind of stuff,” the man pointed out. “Some would even find it desirable to be with someone on their first time.”

Yamaguchi frowned.

“This is stupid,” he said. “I don’t want to talk about this. I just want to sleep.”

“You only sleep to avoid being sad,” the man said. “It won’t work. You need to go out and try to get closer to people.”

“I have tried it,” Yamaguchi said, voice rising. “I’ve tried enough! Why won’t someone else try for a change?”

He pulled his hand off of the other man’s hold and stood up.

“I’m so sick and tired of always having to work hard to even make an acquaintance I can talk to during our shared classes,” Yamaguchi continued. “Why won’t anyone work hard to get to know me? It’s unfair.”

“I know it,” the man said and took a hold of Yamaguchi’s hand again. “It sucks. It’s unfair and it’s tiring and it’s so difficult to keep going after you’re rejected time and time again.”

Yamaguchi was hanging his head down. He had his eyes shut to keep tears away. The hold on his hand was warm.

“It makes you feel worthless,” the man said. “Even when it’s not the truth. And it’s not true for you. You’re such a great person, and everyone should be lining up to get to be your friend. But you know, you also can’t handle every single person being your friend, so it’s better to keep the ones you have.”

“I’m not talking about friendship,” Yamaguchi said, although a part of him was.

“I know,” the man said. “But aren’t good relationships also good friendships?”

Yamaguchi nodded and opened his eyes.

“You will find that someone,” the man said, “who will understand you and make you happy, and who will never get tired of you.”

“That’s impossible,” Yamaguchi mumbled.

“Come here,” the man said and pat the bed by his side.

Yamaguchi sat down, and the man pulled him into a hug.

“You deserve to be loved,” he said.

Yamaguchi took a moment to just breathe and feel what it was like to be hugged. Then he slowly returned the hug, his hands pressing against the man’s back, and he felt how his heart was beating faster. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had been so kind to him. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this close to someone.

The man pulled away enough to face Yamaguchi, and without another word they were kissing.

“You’re such a valuable person,” the man said between kisses. “You’re sweet and adorable, and your freckles are a real charm point.”

Yamaguchi wanted to argue, but the man’s lips were over his own, hands moving up to cup his face, and he melted into the kiss, allowing for it to continue. The man swiped a tongue over his sealed lips, and he hesitated before opening his mouth slightly and meeting the man’s tongue with his own. Their licks were careful, they cautiously tasted each other, the excitement of doing something new, something that he had been dreaming about for so long. Finally, he knew how good it felt to have someone breathe in the same air as you when you were exploring him, yourself, and your arms were wrapped around a body that moved on its own.

When they broke the kiss and backed away, Yamaguchi looked at the man’s face, how it was dusted with pink and his lips were glistening with a shy smile.

“Do I look like that?” he asked.

The man nodded.

Yamaguchi stroked his hair. It was surprisingly soft, nothing like he had ever thought his own hair to be. He let his fingers sink in it, pulled on it slightly before letting go, fingertips brushing over his ear on the way to his neck, a fumbling touch moving down his skin to his shoulder. The look in the man’s eyes made his heart jump, and he licked his lower lip in thought.

The man smiled and leaned forward, placing his lips right under Yamaguchi’s ear. He trailed kisses down his neck, the same path Yamaguchi’s fingers had just taken, and Yamaguchi moved his head to expose more of his neck. The lips on his skin felt good, solid touch that melted into a liquid feeling, and he closed his eyes when the man moved to kiss under his chin, causing him to moan quietly.

Yamaguchi was holding onto the man’s arms, enjoying the touch he had never felt before. It was sparking inside him, collecting into a mass of arousal deep in his belly. Then man licked over his skin, tongue careful but intent, and Yamaguchi suddenly thought that this must be what it would feel like to be touched by him. He wanted to feel more, and he pulled the man down as he lay onto the bed, their legs tangling as the man continued to taste his neck.

Yamaguchi moved his hands to the man’s back and pulled him closer. The warmth of another body over him felt exciting, and he wanted to burn that feeling to his memory. The man reached his collarbones and raised his head, looked at Yamaguchi and stroked his cheek with soft fingers.

“You deserve everything,” he said quietly.

Then they were kissing again, and the man hesitantly lowered his hips, until Yamaguchi shifted his hands and pulled him down. Their hips aligned Yamaguchi could feel the beginnings of his erection as their cocks pressed together. He was in the same state himself, and experimentally rolled his hips to feel the way another cock was pressing against his, just what he had always wanted to feel, just what he had been dreaming about just last night.

The man moved his hands down Yamaguchi’s body onto his hips. His fingers were long and delicate, his touch gentle yet firm, and it carried with it a promise of pleasure. Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around his neck, pulled him closer as they kissed, tongues lapping at each other in a way that would probably be deemed innocent by some, but he was high on arousal, so pleased that he could feel the way he would touch a partner in bed. The man started pulling off his underwear, and Yamaguchi raised his hips to allow for them to be slipped down, cock still only waking up. He felt restless, slipped his hands down to the man’s ass and pushed on his underwear until the man helped him take them off.

“I want to make you feel good,” the man said.

He was breathless from all the kissing, and Yamaguchi completely understood why. He looked up to the eyes that were looking at him like he was the centre of the universe, and he nodded.

The man kissed him quickly before looking down and taking a hold of Yamaguchi’s half-hard cock. He touched it with intent but couldn’t hide the slight hesitation in the movements of his hand. He kept going either way, paying attention to how Yamaguchi reacted to each touch and adjusting accordingly.

Yamaguchi quickly grew fully hard, and every touch on his cock felt even more intense after that. He whined as the man thumbed around his slit, hips starting to push up to the touch to get more.

The man turned to look at him and kissed his cheek, making his way to his lips and kissing hungrily before moving to his neck again, wet lips leaving a trail of saliva over his neck. He touched to gently suck on the sensitive spot under Yamaguchi’s chin, hand speeding up while he did that. Suddenly Yamaguchi felt the world turn and he didn’t even have time for a warning before he spilled over the man’s hand, the semen landing onto his stomach, a couple of drops making their way up to his chest. His body was convulsing, toes curling into the bed, and the man milked him dry, not stopping until it was starting to feel too much and Yamaguchi groaned with overstimulation.

“Do you feel better?” the man asked.

Yamaguchi nodded slowly. His body was still only coming down from the high, but he already felt much more at ease, much more relaxed and calm about the future.

“Then I’m happy,” the man said and kissed the tip of Yamaguchi’s nose.

Yamaguchi let his eyes slide shut before suddenly realising something. He looked at the man.

“Shouldn’t I,” he asked and gestured at the man’s cock that was hanging heavy between his legs.

“No, I’m okay,” the man said. “I already came.”

“Oh,” Yamaguchi said.

He was sure he wanted to say something else too, but the comfort of the bed was calling to him.

“Take a little nap,” the man said and stroked Yamaguchi’s hair. “It’ll do you good.”

Yamaguchi nodded once, eyes closed as he felt his body relax more into the bed. The man got up and pulled the blanket over Yamaguchi before settling back down next to him.

“Don’t you want to,” Yamaguchi started to ask but was interrupted by a yawn.

The man laughed.

“I’m fine,” he said. “You just go to sleep.”

Yamaguchi felt two arms wrap around him as sleep pulled him away.

-

What woke him up was his phone. He sleepily searched for it until his hand hit it, and he answered after briefly checking who it was.

“Tsukki,” he said.

“Were you sleeping?” the familiar voice of his best friend asked.

“Yeah, I was tired,” Yamaguchi said.

“You should avoid taking naps,” came Tsukki’s response. “It’s just going to mess up with your sleeping at night.”

“I know,” Yamaguchi said and scratched his head. “Sorry, Tsukki.”

Tsukki hummed in response.

“Anyway, I was wondering if you’d like to go out,” he said.

“Of course,” Yamaguchi said immediately.

There was a longer silence as Yamaguchi got up from the bed.

“I mean,” Tsukki said slowly. “Would you like to go out with me?”

Yamaguchi froze in the middle of his room.

“Like, like a date?” he asked to confirm.

His heart was suddenly beating faster, excitement tingling his limbs.

“Like a date,” Tsukki said unusually quietly.

Yamaguchi’s jaw dropped. He blinked in surprise and was grateful that Tsukki couldn’t see him at that moment.

“Yes,” he forced out before Tsukki would take his words back. “Yes, let’s go on a date.”

“Are you sure?” Tsukki asked.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said firmly. “I have never been this sure in my entire life.”

He heard the quiet splutter that Tsukki let out, smiling like an idiot, still thankful that Tsukki wasn’t there to see.

“I’ll come get you then,” Tsukki said.

Yamaguchi stood still for a long moment before he started to feel like he was truly awake. He turned to look in the mirror. His hair was a mess but his face was glowing. He smiled widely, he smiled until he felt like his face was going to split, but even then he didn’t stop smiling. He turned away and went to get dressed, missing the way his mirror image winked at him before it too turned away.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is what you wanted and you don't mind the sudden yamatsuki at the end. Tsukki didn't ask for a permission, he just came and took over the story.
> 
> I have [a dedicated writing blog](http://mean-whalewrites.tumblr.com) but also sometimes talk about writing [on twitter](http://twitter.com/mean_whale), but to follow me on twitter please be over 18!


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